Nothing quite cleans the soul than being creative. Creative in the kind of way an art critic says “creative” and not the way your councillor says you are being “creative” – with fire. Anyway, some people draw a landscape and others go on a one week shotgun rampage in the pursuit of finding closure but I, being the weird person that I am, write jokes.

The jokes I write are usually quite poor (which is my special way of saying AWESOME) so I tend to keep them exiled to my twitter account and occasionally to the podcast. Anyway I thought – considering how I have not posted on my shiny new personal blog in a while – I should post a few of the japes and capers I have been thinking up recently.

* Shouting rape is not advised because people are too afraid to come out and help. That means you shout rape and no one comes – except me.

* The police are investing in new shock tactics to reduce crime: like tazing people in the nuts. #police

* I remember a day when getting a virus on your hard-drive meant you couldn’t have kids.

* Short stories are exceptionally hard to produce. Do you know how much a midget costs these days?!

* Wishes when the Queen smashes champagne on a ship she would say “this bitch just got layed!”.

* HEY, TEACHER! LEAVE US SPIVS ALONE! You naughty girl!

* I don’t have a problem with ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ except it’s actually, “We don’t need AN education”

* Apparently, people getting sucked off on subway platforms is a big problem.

* I think porn is a lot of old horse-play.

* That’s not an erection! That’s just a… surprise party for you – in my pants. #comebacks

* If I were a rapper I’d probably call myself Maitre D – at least I’m being realistic about where I would end up working.

* Apparently my set-ups and punch-lines are vaguely related: the best kind of incest!

* Even the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was sworded.

* I used to waste time by going on clock drive-bys.

* I’m a great believer in first impressions and that John Travolta was MAGICAL!

* My grandfather has just had a pacemaker. #intelinside

* Nothing says ‘Happy Valentines Day’ like Nazi memorabilia. An authentic Karabiner rifle for now and an achtung for later *wink*.

* #200tweats – The same combined age of the people I have slept with. They were a nice couple.

* Seeing a dog corpse lying beaten in an alley really made me stop and wonder, “Is there anything I wouldn’t eat raw?”. #temptations

* Our local vicar was created in God’s image. After all, God has been in everyone as well.

* The only thing worse than getting into a sticky situation is the sticky situation demanding you use her name.

* “I see your point.” – “Nope, that’s just the way I’m standing” #awkwardmoments

* #ifyoureallyknewme supporting the national front against ninja-Cyclops-terminator machines would seem a good idea.

* Cheese does give you nightmares – if you’re lactose intolerant.

* #whereimfrom we don’t call people names. Names, plural, implies more than just, “prick-face”.

* Sexy. #oldpeoplenames

* #changelovetoknobsongs Knob Explosion – Weezer Can You Feel the Knob Tonight? – Elton John Stoned Knob – Supremes Knob Like a Bomb – Oasis

* Being cancer is a social omen. #zodiacfacts

* #agoodrelationship is when you meet a girl who trusts you to wrap her in a carpet next to a canal. It makes things easier in the long run.

* Remember, in all the dark periods in your life #urnotalone – especially when that dark period is night.

* Don’t know the first letter of the alphabet? #thatsaproblem

* To the wizard of #iOS ! Oh wait… he’s running in the background…

* #thistweetisdedicated2 what’s under the Congleton canal – unofficially.

* “Is there any comeback you wont make?” – “Yeah, getting in the taxi after I have slept with you.”

* Don’t scream, It’ll get harder. #5wordsbeforesex

* My other half was excited at the possibility to record a porn flick together; when she realised I researched the role, not so much.

* How do you take your tea? – By surprise.

* That was a fantastic meal; the only problem I found is that I’m a liar.

* It is an unfortunate turn of events when Europeans, yet again, turn to beating Africans #worldcup

* Happy Canada day! You and France may speak the same language but marrying a moose in France is simply just a metaphor. #canadaday

* Whenever I hear a buzz sound I am more frightened of a spontaneous football match than a fatal bee-sting. #wordcup #Vuvuzela

* Why is it only acceptable to pay to watch a monkey touching itself at the zoo? #zoo #monkey

* Why do the baby companies try to intentionally confuse us with words like “formula milk”? I mean, vodka’s vodka for christ’s sake. #babies

* “Thank you for your rape-ear wit” – “I think it’s pronounced ‘rapier’.” – “I know what I said”. *click click click* ^_^

* I remember a time when a train conductor wasn’t just something that electrocuted drunk teenagers.

* Let’s face it, Prescott saying he wouldn’t accept a peerage isn’t the first time a porkie has violently erupted from his mouth #johnprescott

* How to elevate yourself to a higher level! Just follow these simple steps!