• Why is Deva Fever trending? Is Chlamydia really that much of a big deal?
• The #pope can’t have kids – but the rest of his clergy does. (RT from earlier. Bad spelling!)
• Sorry for twitter spam. If comedy is an art form, what you’ve just experienced is a frozen cow that’s been sawed in half.
• Cracker cocaine: it’s a bad joke.
• It get’s pretty rowdy when these french bars call last #H’orderves.
• I have a short temper for #midgets wasting my time.
• Apparently, people turning to #begging instead of finding #work is a big issue.
• Right, now the chips are down! I guess being lost in a #poker game would depress me, too.
• I’m not allowed a relationship. My bad #punchlines are technically domestic violence.
• Okay King William, after we sack the village we’ll #brainstorm the castle.
• Sneezing is 1/8 of an #orgasm. Great, now pepper’s better than I am.
• Does the question mark know ANYTHING?!
• Prof Brian Cox looks so young! Has somebody not arrested him yet for under-aged thinking?
• Why is it so cold in my house? I walked out the shower and it felt like I’d been date-raped by Jack Frost.
• Go on then, brainfuck me if you can. – Do we have time for wordplay?
• There’s a lot of controversy surrounding the pope; on the pope; in the #pope. Whatever.
• On the same subject, was anybody else pleasantly amused when Sky News said the #pope’s advisor had “pulled out” of his visit to the UK?
• You know the old joke about pope-on-a-rope? Lets see if we can make that a literal interpretation. #pope
• Okay, Bible. Why is god allowed to make babies and I’m not?#thebigquestions
• “What, get back together with Rosie? I’m not going back to that car crash. Besides, that would criminally implicate me.”
• Why do they call it a “great loss”? It’s not like grandma’s heart popping is gonna make that hot cousin get off with you.
• Does anyone else see the irony of Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress?
• “STICK ‘EM IN THE AIR, CLOWN! NO FUNNY BUSINESS!”
• Dear people with voicemail: Just because it goes, “beep!”, doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re swearing at me.
• What is war worth fighting for? Well, rhyming couplets for a start!
• I’m a bad spelling uncomformist.
• Come on Timmy, I know you’ve broken your neck but chin up, hey?
• Ha! I could snore better than you in my sleep!
• I want a really high capacity battery but they charge too much.
• I’d pay anything for love…. Wait a second, that thought isn’t half bad! *grabs coat*
• Some people spell, ‘pretentious’, with an, ‘sh’, but they are idiots who know nothing.
• Just saw the Rabbit section next to the reptile section at pets at home. Me = horrified.
• Just instinctively took the phrase, “Do you want stuffing?”, as a threat. I think I need a lifestyle change.
• David Cameron’s farther has died of a stroke and heart problems – much like any Tory after having a chat with Peter Mandelson.
• Someone just told me “You love it.” I suddenly feel like Marmite’s bitch.
• Now David Cameron’s a dad let’s hope he gets as sick of the words, “It’s time for change”, as we did.
• “If Clive jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?” – “No because then I’D be the head honcho around here.”
• I don’t think we’ve seen the ending for Tony Blair, the book has another 200 fucking pages!
• I’m colour-blind. Oh well, I guess the grass is greener on the other side.
• Charity Music Instrument Donation Program is giving me the horn.http://www.charitymusic.org
• “That’s a very one-sided attitude to take, Mr Circle.”
• People are demonstrating against Roma deportation. Say what you want about Sarkozy, he’s certainly a gyp off the old block.
• Apparently a monster traffic jam has hit China. Godzilla, King-Kong and Big-Bird were the first to comment.
• A UPS plain has crashed into the desert surrounding Dubai. I guess this explains why my packages seem to disappear out of thin air.
• The Pakistan suicide bombing victims have been given a memorial. There’s one bit over there, another bit over there…
• New Zealand has suffered devastating earthquakes. It seems the world’s youngest country has just hit the rock and roll stage.
• Well, Tony’s book was rubbish and it seems he’s determined to sell out one way or the other.
• Yum, fruit. I’ve got more orange inside me than I would have after a particularly good first date with an umpa-lumpa.
• He just came storming in here like a china in a tibet shop.
• “Peaceful protesting.” I don’t know what all the riot’s about.
• Luckily for the airport, my emotional baggage hasn’t contained fluids in quite some time.
• My neighbour’s daughter is a musical gymnast. Well she can blow all her showing off up her ass.
• Someone called my sister a reptile in school. Kids are so harsh. It took us hours to stop her crocodile tears.
• My doctor says I should eat more vegetables which I don’t think Stephen Hawkins is all to pleased about.
• I know Russia’s agricultural history backwards.
• The doctor told me I broke my funny bone and I’d have to go into surgery for a witticism.
• Not to say anything about David Cameron, but I think his daughter is very lucky she didn’t end up with the Cornish name, ‘Tin Mine’.
• Didn’t you think Vin Diesel sounds like a really rubbish wine?
• Thanks to the doughnut companies, police have made more cardiac arrests than ever before.
• I called one of those companies that said I could ‘get out of the red and into the black.’ I was sorely disappointed.
• Does this pillow smell like smother to you?
• I was blown away by the new series of My Name is Hurricane Earl.
• I see that’s product in your hair and I have only one question: Who’s product is it?
• “I offered him lower and he spat in my face! That’s the last time I haggle with a camel.”
• The doctor says it’s diarrhea but I think it’s a load of shit.
• You don’t have to be blue to be funny, but you do if you want to score with Smurfette.
• MOPED! HOW DARE YOU SIR! Oh wait, you said mop-head. Fine, fine, carry on.
• Stop that horse play! There will be no alternative porn in this house!
• Another tip for #parents: call your child “marijuana”. The teachers HAVE to advise against doing them.
• Advice to new parents: put your kids in a high place and record them saying, “Daddy, let me down!” It will come in useful for their wedding.
• Meatball, On Her Majesty’s Secret Room Service, One Portion is not Enough, Tomorrow Never Dines, Casino Royale with Cheese.#bondfoodfilms
• Sex offender registers really tick me off!
• I just got a #job as a male prostitute! Apparently I was perfect for the opening.
• Did you hear the #Ribena factory exploaded? Thousands of workers were berryed alive in the debris.

Nothing quite cleans the soul than being creative. Creative in the kind of way an art critic says “creative” and not the way your councillor says you are being “creative” – with fire. Anyway, some people draw a landscape and others go on a one week shotgun rampage in the pursuit of finding closure but I, being the weird person that I am, write jokes.

The jokes I write are usually quite poor (which is my special way of saying AWESOME) so I tend to keep them exiled to my twitter account and occasionally to the podcast. Anyway I thought – considering how I have not posted on my shiny new personal blog in a while – I should post a few of the japes and capers I have been thinking up recently.

* Shouting rape is not advised because people are too afraid to come out and help. That means you shout rape and no one comes – except me.

* The police are investing in new shock tactics to reduce crime: like tazing people in the nuts. #police

* I remember a day when getting a virus on your hard-drive meant you couldn’t have kids.

* Short stories are exceptionally hard to produce. Do you know how much a midget costs these days?!

* Wishes when the Queen smashes champagne on a ship she would say “this bitch just got layed!”.

* HEY, TEACHER! LEAVE US SPIVS ALONE! You naughty girl!

* I don’t have a problem with ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ except it’s actually, “We don’t need AN education”

* Apparently, people getting sucked off on subway platforms is a big problem.

* I think porn is a lot of old horse-play.

* That’s not an erection! That’s just a… surprise party for you – in my pants. #comebacks

* If I were a rapper I’d probably call myself Maitre D – at least I’m being realistic about where I would end up working.

* Apparently my set-ups and punch-lines are vaguely related: the best kind of incest!

* Even the end of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was sworded.

* I used to waste time by going on clock drive-bys.

* I’m a great believer in first impressions and that John Travolta was MAGICAL!

* My grandfather has just had a pacemaker. #intelinside

* Nothing says ‘Happy Valentines Day’ like Nazi memorabilia. An authentic Karabiner rifle for now and an achtung for later *wink*.

* #200tweats – The same combined age of the people I have slept with. They were a nice couple.

* Seeing a dog corpse lying beaten in an alley really made me stop and wonder, “Is there anything I wouldn’t eat raw?”. #temptations

* Our local vicar was created in God’s image. After all, God has been in everyone as well.

* The only thing worse than getting into a sticky situation is the sticky situation demanding you use her name.

* “I see your point.” – “Nope, that’s just the way I’m standing” #awkwardmoments

* #ifyoureallyknewme supporting the national front against ninja-Cyclops-terminator machines would seem a good idea.

* Cheese does give you nightmares – if you’re lactose intolerant.

* #whereimfrom we don’t call people names. Names, plural, implies more than just, “prick-face”.

* Sexy. #oldpeoplenames

* #changelovetoknobsongs Knob Explosion – Weezer Can You Feel the Knob Tonight? – Elton John Stoned Knob – Supremes Knob Like a Bomb – Oasis

* Being cancer is a social omen. #zodiacfacts

* #agoodrelationship is when you meet a girl who trusts you to wrap her in a carpet next to a canal. It makes things easier in the long run.

* Remember, in all the dark periods in your life #urnotalone – especially when that dark period is night.

* Don’t know the first letter of the alphabet? #thatsaproblem

* To the wizard of #iOS ! Oh wait… he’s running in the background…

* #thistweetisdedicated2 what’s under the Congleton canal – unofficially.

* “Is there any comeback you wont make?” – “Yeah, getting in the taxi after I have slept with you.”

* Don’t scream, It’ll get harder. #5wordsbeforesex

* My other half was excited at the possibility to record a porn flick together; when she realised I researched the role, not so much.

* How do you take your tea? – By surprise.

* That was a fantastic meal; the only problem I found is that I’m a liar.

* It is an unfortunate turn of events when Europeans, yet again, turn to beating Africans #worldcup

* Happy Canada day! You and France may speak the same language but marrying a moose in France is simply just a metaphor. #canadaday

* Whenever I hear a buzz sound I am more frightened of a spontaneous football match than a fatal bee-sting. #wordcup #Vuvuzela

* Why is it only acceptable to pay to watch a monkey touching itself at the zoo? #zoo #monkey

* Why do the baby companies try to intentionally confuse us with words like “formula milk”? I mean, vodka’s vodka for christ’s sake. #babies

* “Thank you for your rape-ear wit” – “I think it’s pronounced ‘rapier’.” – “I know what I said”. *click click click* ^_^

* I remember a time when a train conductor wasn’t just something that electrocuted drunk teenagers.

* Let’s face it, Prescott saying he wouldn’t accept a peerage isn’t the first time a porkie has violently erupted from his mouth #johnprescott

* How to elevate yourself to a higher level! Just follow these simple steps!